I have no words. But I need to rant. One last time. Then, I promise I'll quit complaining. I had high hopes for a change. I left my doctor's office last Tuesday in high spirits. Hopeful that the fact that my blood tests came back lower than ever meant there was an actual, tangible, scientific reason for me feeling so lousy all the time. And hopeful that the fact that my doctor acknowledged this, and prescribed a stronger dose of my medicine would help eliminate that feeling.
Today, I am without hope. I am questioning. Is this to be my life now? Is this what I will suffer with day in and day out for years to come? I can't accept it. I am not my body. But, I am a prisoner of it, just the same. I can't be me inside this body. I haven't gone for a long, lift-my-spirits, therapeutic run in weeks. I don't have the energy. I find myself moping. Doing the bare minimum just to get by. I give myself little tasks, trying to motivate myself. Things like getting the laundry done, vacuuming the family room, weeding the front yard, taking my kids to the pool. These things exhaust me. I discover I have a rapidly growing list of things lift half finished or undone.
Today, I should be cleaning, packing, getting ready to leave for our family camp out tomorrow. Two days ago, I was excited. Normally, I love camping. Today, I dread it. How can I go do things I used to love, when all I want to do is crawl into a cave and hibernate for the eternities?
I look inside my mind and discover morbid thoughts. I discover myself having envy for people with terminal diseases. People with cancer. People who can see an end to their misery, and can therefore look forward to death.
My sickness is not that serious. Nor is it terminal. But it is changing my life. So, as I see it, my life as it were, as it was, is over. And I don't know how to begin again, living as a different me, inside a limited body. I mourn my old self. I mourn the mother I used to be...could have been. I mourn the loss of the children I will never bear. I mourn the loss of my fertility. I mourn the wife I was....and pity my family, my husband, for what they put up with everyday. I mourn the friend I used to be. The sister and daughter I was. I am not that person anymore.
I am living in a fog...and all I can see is me, whithering away into nothing.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Random Sherisms and Random Tunes
I intended to go for a run on Monday morning. But I was so tired from all the partying we'd done on Saturday and Sunday with all of the 4th of July festivities, and I just couldn't bring myself to even set my alarm for 5 am. So, my intention was to go for a solo run while my hubby, who had the day off work, went to the park to play football with his buddies. He plays every Saturday. And he takes the kids to the park with him, and they run around, ride their bikes, and play at the playground, while he plays, and I stay home and relax, or go for a run. Sounds nice, right?
Well, I decided to meet them at the park, brought the stragglers (kids who didn't wake up in time to get dressed and ride with Dad), the bikes, and planned to go for a short run after we got everyone unloaded. But when I got there, I discovered that some of C's friends hadn't shown up to play. They were short a player. And you know what? They let me play. All of these good ole boys let this...girl (for lack of a better work) play football with them.
And let me tell you people, I had the time of my life. It was the best workout I've had in a long time. My thighs were killing me the next day (the good burn), but it was so much fun. So, I begged C to let me come back and play every week. He said, I could, as long as I bring another girl to play with me.
So, who wants to come up to my hood and play some football with me? It's fun! And not as hard as you'd think. It's just touch (no tackling), and such a great workout. Who's with me?
*************************
I went back to the doc on Tuesday. For the past month of so, I have been beside myself and out of my head. Once again, I started feeling tired again. This past month it just got worse and worse. The worst it's been since before my radiation treatment. I've been a walking zombie. And so depressed I could hardly function. Not to mention my complete inability to focus on anything besides the tiny little reflective bubble I was trapped inside. (Reflective because all I could see was me). And let's not even begin to discuss the fact that I've gained 9 pounds in the last month. I was going to write a post about belly fat, and how for the first time in my life....I have some. But I decided it might render some heckling, so I decided against it. Shhh...don't tell anyone about that okay?
So...on Tuesday, I went back to the endocrinologist. He looked at my blood results and showed me how my hormone levels had plummeted despite a recent increase in my meds. All I could think of to say was, "...figures." So, I got another increase in dosage. Thank the synthroid gods!
Plus, I've been doing a lot of research about supplementing my lack of thyroid function with foods. Did you know spinach is bad for thyroid? I'm so bummed. I LOVE spinach, and I eat it like almost every day. sigh. You know what's supposedly good for thyroid function? Crap. Like caffeine, coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. I think that's not true, though, because I drink like 7 Cokes a day, and I still feel like crawling in a hole to die.
It was also reaffirmed that because of how extreme my hormone levels are it would be wise for me to indefinitely prevent pregnancy. We've been discussing the possibility over the past few months, and the complications associated with having an autoimmune disease, and I think I'm finally at peace with being done having children.
Here's hoping that the new dosage in my meds helps me to have the energy to care for the kids I've got!
****************************
Because I've been so moody and emotional lately, I was in a really foul mood the other night. I couldn't sleep. So, I got up, and start writing down my thoughts. It turned into a song. And I totally love it! It's a very angry song, but it rocks. I'm still working out some parts where I may or may not have put in some expletives. I'll probably take those out and rewrite some parts before it's actually published.
**************************
I didn't post this on Friday, because I spent all day recording all of my new songs for a demo. I have no intention of the general public hearing them, unless you want to hear the unmastered clicks, and bumps, heavy breathing in between vocal sets, children stomping, screaming and slamming doors in the background. Yes, when I record at home, I am my own sound engineer.
I recorded a demo for my band to learn guitar/drum/whatever other instruments I can think of part. I'm so excited!
So for my music list, I'm going to list the titles of a few of my new songs, just to peak your interest.
1) Three Days (piano solo)
2) Where I've Been
3) Dreams
4) Did You Think to Pray (piano solo)
5) Weight of the World
6) Generations
.....I need a few more songs to make a full album. So, I need your help. I need ideas for new song topics, suggestions for cover songs/arrangements. Should I fill out the rest with new vocal songs, or should I put in more piano stuff (like me first album)? Input appreciated!
Well, I decided to meet them at the park, brought the stragglers (kids who didn't wake up in time to get dressed and ride with Dad), the bikes, and planned to go for a short run after we got everyone unloaded. But when I got there, I discovered that some of C's friends hadn't shown up to play. They were short a player. And you know what? They let me play. All of these good ole boys let this...girl (for lack of a better work) play football with them.
And let me tell you people, I had the time of my life. It was the best workout I've had in a long time. My thighs were killing me the next day (the good burn), but it was so much fun. So, I begged C to let me come back and play every week. He said, I could, as long as I bring another girl to play with me.
So, who wants to come up to my hood and play some football with me? It's fun! And not as hard as you'd think. It's just touch (no tackling), and such a great workout. Who's with me?
*************************
I went back to the doc on Tuesday. For the past month of so, I have been beside myself and out of my head. Once again, I started feeling tired again. This past month it just got worse and worse. The worst it's been since before my radiation treatment. I've been a walking zombie. And so depressed I could hardly function. Not to mention my complete inability to focus on anything besides the tiny little reflective bubble I was trapped inside. (Reflective because all I could see was me). And let's not even begin to discuss the fact that I've gained 9 pounds in the last month. I was going to write a post about belly fat, and how for the first time in my life....I have some. But I decided it might render some heckling, so I decided against it. Shhh...don't tell anyone about that okay?
So...on Tuesday, I went back to the endocrinologist. He looked at my blood results and showed me how my hormone levels had plummeted despite a recent increase in my meds. All I could think of to say was, "...figures." So, I got another increase in dosage. Thank the synthroid gods!
Plus, I've been doing a lot of research about supplementing my lack of thyroid function with foods. Did you know spinach is bad for thyroid? I'm so bummed. I LOVE spinach, and I eat it like almost every day. sigh. You know what's supposedly good for thyroid function? Crap. Like caffeine, coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. I think that's not true, though, because I drink like 7 Cokes a day, and I still feel like crawling in a hole to die.
It was also reaffirmed that because of how extreme my hormone levels are it would be wise for me to indefinitely prevent pregnancy. We've been discussing the possibility over the past few months, and the complications associated with having an autoimmune disease, and I think I'm finally at peace with being done having children.
Here's hoping that the new dosage in my meds helps me to have the energy to care for the kids I've got!
****************************
Because I've been so moody and emotional lately, I was in a really foul mood the other night. I couldn't sleep. So, I got up, and start writing down my thoughts. It turned into a song. And I totally love it! It's a very angry song, but it rocks. I'm still working out some parts where I may or may not have put in some expletives. I'll probably take those out and rewrite some parts before it's actually published.
**************************
I didn't post this on Friday, because I spent all day recording all of my new songs for a demo. I have no intention of the general public hearing them, unless you want to hear the unmastered clicks, and bumps, heavy breathing in between vocal sets, children stomping, screaming and slamming doors in the background. Yes, when I record at home, I am my own sound engineer.
I recorded a demo for my band to learn guitar/drum/whatever other instruments I can think of part. I'm so excited!
So for my music list, I'm going to list the titles of a few of my new songs, just to peak your interest.
1) Three Days (piano solo)
2) Where I've Been
3) Dreams
4) Did You Think to Pray (piano solo)
5) Weight of the World
6) Generations
.....I need a few more songs to make a full album. So, I need your help. I need ideas for new song topics, suggestions for cover songs/arrangements. Should I fill out the rest with new vocal songs, or should I put in more piano stuff (like me first album)? Input appreciated!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Ten Things You Never Wanted to Know about Me
I bet you thought you knew everything there was to know about me, didn't you? I profess that my life is an open book, and for the most part, it is.
But, I have a few quirks, and I'm going to let it all hang out today.
1) When I'm walking in an open space, I have fantasies about being able to do back flips. 
I was in tumbling when I was little, and I think I may have done a back handspring once without being spotted, but beyond that, I was never very good at it. Plus, my aging body doesn't move like is used to.
Yes, that's a picture of Mary Lou Retton. I idolized her when I was little. I even had a leotard just like hers. Sorry, there is no photographic proof of this.
2) Sometimes I swear.
This isn't some big secret, but when I use swear words, they don't feel natural. And every time I do, I am wracked with guilt. Swear words feel dirty in my mouth. I don't like how I feel when I swear. Plus, I'm convinced that the only reason people swear is for lack of thinking of a better words. So, swearing=stupid. I think I'll stop now.
3) I don't wear my seat belt.
Like hardly ever. Unless my kids remind me, or I'm in someone else's car. I guess it's just my way of being rebellious. I even did the voodoo magic thing to turn off the alarm in my car that reminds you to put on your seat belt. Don't believe me that it's voodoo? Well, check your user's manual. It entails honking the horn 3 times, tapping the break 17 times, turn the ignition on and off 29 times, and buckling and unbuckling your seat belt 32 times. (I am not exaggerating!)
side note: why is it a law for people to wear seat belts in a car, but not for people to wear helmets on a motorcycle? (at least in Utah) Doesn't that seem backwards?
4) Sometimes I facebook on the toilet.
I know you didn't want to know that. But, hey, I have chronic tummy issues. Sometimes, it's pertinent to multitask.
5) I'm pretty sure I'm clairvoyant.
I have some seriously crazy realistic dreams. And a lot of them have come true. When I was 6, my little brother was born. And for years after, I had this horrible recurring dream that something terrible was going to happen to him. Then, when he was four, he had an accident, ruptured his spleen and almost died. The dreams stopped after the accident. I'm telling you, I have the gift. (insert creepy music here)
6) I'm a terrible gift giver.
I have the hardest time thinking of things to give as gifts. What's worse, is that my husband is an awesome gift giver. He is really good and paying attention, and quietly remembering something I said 8 months ago, then getting it for me for my birthday. I feel like it makes me look shallow when I get him dumb stuff.
I have the hardest time thinking of things to give as gifts. What's worse, is that my husband is an awesome gift giver. He is really good and paying attention, and quietly remembering something I said 8 months ago, then getting it for me for my birthday. I feel like it makes me look shallow when I get him dumb stuff.7) I also fantasize about being a really awesome bad-A ninja super spy.
Come on, who doesn't fantasize about that? Wouldn't it be so cool to be able to beat up the bad guys and look totally hot in a cat woman suit at the same time? Or it is just me?
Ok, after googling "bad A ninja super spy" looking for pictures for this post, I no longer have this fantasy. Apparently, being a ninja super spy is something similar to a porn star. (this is the most G rated picture I could find. I couldn't even find a picture of Bruce Lee with a shirt on.)But, I think I might start taking martial arts classes anyway, just in case.
8) Sometimes I make chocolate and hide it from my kids.
Specifically, chocolate frosting to dip graham crackers and fruit in. And sometimes no-bake cookies. I can usually eat the whole batch in one sitting. I don't like to share my chocolate. I have noticed though, that with my recent change in health, I can't eat as much chocolate as I used to. This really makes me sad.
Specifically, chocolate frosting to dip graham crackers and fruit in. And sometimes no-bake cookies. I can usually eat the whole batch in one sitting. I don't like to share my chocolate. I have noticed though, that with my recent change in health, I can't eat as much chocolate as I used to. This really makes me sad.
9) I pick my nose when I drive.
But never at a stop light, and never within a one mile radius of where I live, in case one of my neighbors sees me.
Don't worry, I keep a stock of tissues in my car and purse at all times.
10) I drext.
I seriously thought I could break myself of the habit when my phone died an untimely and horribly death last week, and I had to wait for 5 days before I could get my new one. But, I'm back on the sauce, so to speak. For some reason, as soon as I got on the freeway on ramp, I feel my phone calling me (no pun intended). I'm totally addicted to my crackberry. It's like a drug. Drexting is my own personal brand of heroine. (Gah, I did NOT just quote Twilight)
(I'm now bracing myself for backlash on all of the horrible driving habits I have)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Random Sherisms and Random Tunes
As I posted on my facebook page today...I am experiencing a rare phenomenon today.
Yesterday, my SIL texted me, reminding me that it was her baby's 1st birthday, and they were going to Cherry Hill to celebrate it, and wanted to know if we wanted to come. I said, sure, and enjoyed the opportunity to have some leverage to slave drive my children. Together, we cleaned out the toy room, cleaned the whole basement, all of the upstairs, all of the bathrooms, and did all of the laundry. About every 2 minutes, I kept saying, keep working, so we can go to Cherry Hill. The kids were so motivated. KJ even went out and pulled some weeds!
Then, my SIL texted me back and said she'd just found out that Cherry Hill costs $17 per person. Children 3-4 are $7 and 2 and under are free. B just turned 5 two weeks ago. That means for me and all of my kids to go to Cherry Hill for one day, which to be honest would really only be a couple of hours, would cost me $68. Really?!
My kids were amazingly accommodating when we decided not to go. Instead, we spend a couple of hours at the neighborhood pool and they were perfectly happy. I made the right choice.
***********************
So, now today, my house is clean! I better get the kids outside before it gets messed up again!
***********************
And I just have to brag for a minute. B (Peter) --I'm calling her B now, because her nickname as Peter has kind of fizzled. When she was a baby, and up until she was about 3 we called her Peter. We don't really call her that anymore, so now she's just B. Or Bea. But, I digress.
Up until this moment of her life, B has been terrified of water. Even when I give her a bath, it is a major fight to rinse the shampoo from her hair. I finally figured out that it's a fear of getting her eyes wet. I don't know where this came from, but she has always been afraid.
Last week, I put her in swimming lessons. It's the third year in a row that she's had swimming lessons, and we've just squeaked by, because she refused to put her face in. She's the only kid I know that can spend 2 hours at the pool and never get her hair wet. But after one week with this teacher, I saw B put her face in the water. I thought it was a miracle. Until yesterday.
We went to the neighborhood pool (instead of Cherry Hill). B usually floats around in her life jacket, and she asked me to take it off of her. She then proceeded so start swimming from me to the wall and back over and over. Folks, this is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that she was brave enough to try to swim by herself is miraculous. I applaud the awesome swimming teacher that gave her the courage to do it!
*******************************
I'm having technological issues. These are big issues too! I need help from anyone with know how.
1) I can't get my iPod to sync the new music I've added to my itunes library. I've tried it over and over. I can't figure out why it won't sync. It will sync my photos, and apps, and all other stuff, but not any new music, including music I've purchased on itunes. I'm so frustrated. I've tried the Help tab on itunes and it's useless. Any ideas?
2) I'll admit my phone has been slightly abused. When I say slightly abused, there may or may not have been an incident in which the phone was left on my back bumper and thrown off to the side of the road as I drove away unknowingly. It's nothing short of miraculous (I guess that's the phrase of the day) that not only was the phone retrieved, but it survived.
I'm totally addicted to my crackberry. But, in the last 3 days, it automatically turns off my connections. And when I turn them back on, they just turn back off again. I can't make or receive any communications. And I can't access facebook. What am I supposed to do while I drive now? (You didn't hear me just say that) Again, I'm stumped. The bumper incident happened almost 4 months ago, so I'm positive it's not that.
Help?
***************************
I've been having a musical identity crisis lately. I feel like maybe I'm morphing from a new age pianist into something of a singer/songwriter.
In the past month, in addition to finishing "He Healeth Me", I have written a song that edges on kinda sorta rock ballad. It's called "Where I've Been" And when I play/sing it (yes it has lyrics!) I hear electric guitars and wicked drum solos in my head. I'm currently hiring band members. Applicants may apply in my comments sections.
I've also written another song called "Generations." It's about my Great Grandma Ruth. I woke up in the middle of the night with the lyrics to this song swimming in my head. And I am 100 % positive that Grandma Ruth with sitting with me at the piano, writing this song with me. (She was something of a composer, herself). This song has a kinda of contemporary country feel to it.
When I played it for my Mom and my sister, and my aunt and my Grandma, they all cried. And so did I. To me, that means it's pretty good.
Last Monday, I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I had awaken from a very disturbing, realistic dream, the only part of which I remember was driving down the freeway, and dead bodies and severed limbs and heads were everywhere. Morbid, right? I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got up and wrote some thoughts. From that experience, came a song called, "Dreams." It's haunting, and kind of Jazzy.
I've thought about posting the lyrics to all of these songs for feed back. Do you want to read them?
I have a million other ideas crowded my already over occupied brain. I've been writing like crazy, just trying to get everything down on paper before all of my thoughts are washed down the drain that is my rapidly failing memory.
So, I'm not sure what kind of artist I am these days. Maybe a little of everything.
I'm going to head over to my brother's little mixing machine, and record a demo. And maybe start putting on a few shows, get some feedback before I spend another life's savings making an album. At this point, I'm not sure what to do with all of the creative chaos going on inside me.
************************
I have pictures. Lots of them....from my anniversary weekend, and our family vacay, and some cute stuff of my kids. But, I'll have to write a picture post one of these days.
***********************
I'm going to try to not sweat to death in this crazy heat.
This weekend's plans:
Toy Story 3
lots and lots of pool time
baseball games
kid's sleepover (maybe I can talk them into sleeping outside on the tramp)
a bridal shower
a baptism
a baby blessing
an early morning run
Tepanyaki
dinner at a splash park in Draper with some great friends and their families
What are you doing this weekend?
Yesterday, my SIL texted me, reminding me that it was her baby's 1st birthday, and they were going to Cherry Hill to celebrate it, and wanted to know if we wanted to come. I said, sure, and enjoyed the opportunity to have some leverage to slave drive my children. Together, we cleaned out the toy room, cleaned the whole basement, all of the upstairs, all of the bathrooms, and did all of the laundry. About every 2 minutes, I kept saying, keep working, so we can go to Cherry Hill. The kids were so motivated. KJ even went out and pulled some weeds!
Then, my SIL texted me back and said she'd just found out that Cherry Hill costs $17 per person. Children 3-4 are $7 and 2 and under are free. B just turned 5 two weeks ago. That means for me and all of my kids to go to Cherry Hill for one day, which to be honest would really only be a couple of hours, would cost me $68. Really?!
My kids were amazingly accommodating when we decided not to go. Instead, we spend a couple of hours at the neighborhood pool and they were perfectly happy. I made the right choice.
***********************
So, now today, my house is clean! I better get the kids outside before it gets messed up again!
***********************
And I just have to brag for a minute. B (Peter) --I'm calling her B now, because her nickname as Peter has kind of fizzled. When she was a baby, and up until she was about 3 we called her Peter. We don't really call her that anymore, so now she's just B. Or Bea. But, I digress.
Up until this moment of her life, B has been terrified of water. Even when I give her a bath, it is a major fight to rinse the shampoo from her hair. I finally figured out that it's a fear of getting her eyes wet. I don't know where this came from, but she has always been afraid.
Last week, I put her in swimming lessons. It's the third year in a row that she's had swimming lessons, and we've just squeaked by, because she refused to put her face in. She's the only kid I know that can spend 2 hours at the pool and never get her hair wet. But after one week with this teacher, I saw B put her face in the water. I thought it was a miracle. Until yesterday.
We went to the neighborhood pool (instead of Cherry Hill). B usually floats around in her life jacket, and she asked me to take it off of her. She then proceeded so start swimming from me to the wall and back over and over. Folks, this is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that she was brave enough to try to swim by herself is miraculous. I applaud the awesome swimming teacher that gave her the courage to do it!
*******************************
I'm having technological issues. These are big issues too! I need help from anyone with know how.
1) I can't get my iPod to sync the new music I've added to my itunes library. I've tried it over and over. I can't figure out why it won't sync. It will sync my photos, and apps, and all other stuff, but not any new music, including music I've purchased on itunes. I'm so frustrated. I've tried the Help tab on itunes and it's useless. Any ideas?
2) I'll admit my phone has been slightly abused. When I say slightly abused, there may or may not have been an incident in which the phone was left on my back bumper and thrown off to the side of the road as I drove away unknowingly. It's nothing short of miraculous (I guess that's the phrase of the day) that not only was the phone retrieved, but it survived.
I'm totally addicted to my crackberry. But, in the last 3 days, it automatically turns off my connections. And when I turn them back on, they just turn back off again. I can't make or receive any communications. And I can't access facebook. What am I supposed to do while I drive now? (You didn't hear me just say that) Again, I'm stumped. The bumper incident happened almost 4 months ago, so I'm positive it's not that.
Help?
***************************
I've been having a musical identity crisis lately. I feel like maybe I'm morphing from a new age pianist into something of a singer/songwriter.
In the past month, in addition to finishing "He Healeth Me", I have written a song that edges on kinda sorta rock ballad. It's called "Where I've Been" And when I play/sing it (yes it has lyrics!) I hear electric guitars and wicked drum solos in my head. I'm currently hiring band members. Applicants may apply in my comments sections.
I've also written another song called "Generations." It's about my Great Grandma Ruth. I woke up in the middle of the night with the lyrics to this song swimming in my head. And I am 100 % positive that Grandma Ruth with sitting with me at the piano, writing this song with me. (She was something of a composer, herself). This song has a kinda of contemporary country feel to it.
When I played it for my Mom and my sister, and my aunt and my Grandma, they all cried. And so did I. To me, that means it's pretty good.
Last Monday, I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I had awaken from a very disturbing, realistic dream, the only part of which I remember was driving down the freeway, and dead bodies and severed limbs and heads were everywhere. Morbid, right? I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I got up and wrote some thoughts. From that experience, came a song called, "Dreams." It's haunting, and kind of Jazzy.
I've thought about posting the lyrics to all of these songs for feed back. Do you want to read them?
I have a million other ideas crowded my already over occupied brain. I've been writing like crazy, just trying to get everything down on paper before all of my thoughts are washed down the drain that is my rapidly failing memory.
So, I'm not sure what kind of artist I am these days. Maybe a little of everything.
I'm going to head over to my brother's little mixing machine, and record a demo. And maybe start putting on a few shows, get some feedback before I spend another life's savings making an album. At this point, I'm not sure what to do with all of the creative chaos going on inside me.
************************
I have pictures. Lots of them....from my anniversary weekend, and our family vacay, and some cute stuff of my kids. But, I'll have to write a picture post one of these days.
***********************
I'm going to try to not sweat to death in this crazy heat.
This weekend's plans:
Toy Story 3
lots and lots of pool time
baseball games
kid's sleepover (maybe I can talk them into sleeping outside on the tramp)
a bridal shower
a baptism
a baby blessing
an early morning run
Tepanyaki
dinner at a splash park in Draper with some great friends and their families
What are you doing this weekend?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Question of the Day: Do You Think Blogging Has Changed You?
Do You Think Blogging Has Changed You? How?
I've been doing some serious soul searching. And I've been trying to prioritize my life. When I came across the part of me that blogs, I had to take a step back and really think. Two years ago I was all fired up about blogging, and the sense of community, and all of the great women I'd gotten to know through it. I think I may have gotten carried away.
I'm an all or nothing type of person. When I give myself to something, I give it all. I do cherish the relationships I've made and the opportunity I have to have an outlet with my blog.
But, I wonder how my real life relationships have changed because I blog. There have been times when I've neglected my family because I was reading blogs. There were times when every single experience in my life was spent figuring out how I could turn it into a funny post. I think I lost touch with reality a little bit.
So, yes, I think blogging has changed me. I've become more honest, and open. And I've forgotten how to filter myself (or maybe I never knew...the jury's still out on that). I've lost my ability to discern between things that should be kept private and things that are OK to be published publicly.
So, for me, I will still be around, but not so much. Excuse me, in my absence.
(insert RESET button here)
I've been doing some serious soul searching. And I've been trying to prioritize my life. When I came across the part of me that blogs, I had to take a step back and really think. Two years ago I was all fired up about blogging, and the sense of community, and all of the great women I'd gotten to know through it. I think I may have gotten carried away.
I'm an all or nothing type of person. When I give myself to something, I give it all. I do cherish the relationships I've made and the opportunity I have to have an outlet with my blog.
But, I wonder how my real life relationships have changed because I blog. There have been times when I've neglected my family because I was reading blogs. There were times when every single experience in my life was spent figuring out how I could turn it into a funny post. I think I lost touch with reality a little bit.
So, yes, I think blogging has changed me. I've become more honest, and open. And I've forgotten how to filter myself (or maybe I never knew...the jury's still out on that). I've lost my ability to discern between things that should be kept private and things that are OK to be published publicly.
So, for me, I will still be around, but not so much. Excuse me, in my absence.
(insert RESET button here)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
He Healeth Me
I've been talking about this a lot lately, but when you pour your whole heart and soul into something, it tends to be on your mind.
Sometime in February, I got a call from my friend, Elisa. She said she went to high school with this guy named Braden Bell who had written a book, and who wanted a song written to go along with it. She said she'd told him about me. (I love it when my friends network for me).
The first few thoughts that flooded my mind were something along the lines of this:
Me? He wants me to write a song? He has a PhD in musical theater, and he wants dumb old me to write his song? I was really intimidated. But, I agreed anyway, because who I am to turn down an opportunity like that. Then, I got an email from him. He said he wanted to release a book trailer with the song, and that the book would be released in June. Again, thoughts of panic swept through my head.
I'm supposed to write a song from scratch, and I have to do it in less than 3 months? I don't know how I could possibly do it. Despite intense insecurities and deep fear that I'd completely fail, I accepted the challenge. So, Braden emailed me the lyrics to the song, and the book's manuscript. I read the forward in the book, then printed out the lyrics and set them on my piano.
For days, I just stared at the words, doing nothing. Searching, finding nothing. I tried out a few melodies, all the while, emailing back and forth with Braden, asking questions, getting his input. At one point, I thought to myself the melody I'd come up with sounded a little familiar. Then, I realized somehow it'd turned out to be a variation of someone else's song (Hold On from the Secret Garden). So, I scrapped it and started over. I actually walked away from the piano for a few days, needing to reset.
And I prayed. And prayed. And I think Braden was praying, too.
Because one day, I sat down at the piano. Looked at the words, and started playing. And the melody just came. And the chord progressions found themselves. I wrote the basic tune in one sitting. Okay, okay, I was a vessel for writing this song, but I have no doubt that every note and lyric of this song was inspired by God.
Since the initial melody was written, we've done dozens of revisions. We originally had a medley of hymns at the end of the song, and we had to scrap them because of licensing problems. I had to change the key a few times, because I originally wrote the song in G. And it was really high. Because in the book, the character singing this song is a soprano. So, I wrote it for a soprano. Thanks to feedback from wise and honest friends, I chose to transpose the song down a few keys, and it ended up in the key of D.
I do believe that the final product is what the song was meant to me. It is beautiful.
Then, came the task of finding a singer to record the song. Braden had a girl in his ward that he'd had in mind, but of course, she lived across the country from me, and we couldn't find a way, logistically, to get together to record it. I'd already decided it couldn't be me. I love to sing, and I know I have strengths in singing, but I've never been comfortable with my solo voice, so we decided we needed to find someone to sing it. Then, one day, I was talking to my friend, Veronica. I knew she'd had a lot of experience as a singer, but it just hadn't occurred to me. And she offered to give it a shot. We got together to run through the song, and practice. As soon as I heard the beautiful, pure tone of her voice, I knew she was the one. Plus, she has some serious networking skills, and knows like everybody, so I knew she would be a great person to have on my team. We worked through changes, and restructures, and she was amazing to learned everything over again. And so great to work with. One thing I have to say about Veronica, she is incredibly talented, but she is not a diva. She takes direction incredibly well, and took each of my suggestions to heart. I also value her suggestions.
On a whim, DeNae offered to write the violin obligato. I'm so grateful, she did, because it is beautiful and really adds to the song. My incredibly talented brother, Mason, recorded the violin part.
We went to Greg Simpson to record. It was a great experience. He was awesome to work with, and gave us a lot of really great tips, since we're such novices at this.
So, are you sick of me talking, do you want to hear the song?
Here is the trailer for The Road Show. The song is cut a little, so if you want to full version, click over on my side bar and download it! Sheet music is also available. Feel free to post the video on your blog or facebook page!
Sometime in February, I got a call from my friend, Elisa. She said she went to high school with this guy named Braden Bell who had written a book, and who wanted a song written to go along with it. She said she'd told him about me. (I love it when my friends network for me).
The first few thoughts that flooded my mind were something along the lines of this:
Me? He wants me to write a song? He has a PhD in musical theater, and he wants dumb old me to write his song? I was really intimidated. But, I agreed anyway, because who I am to turn down an opportunity like that. Then, I got an email from him. He said he wanted to release a book trailer with the song, and that the book would be released in June. Again, thoughts of panic swept through my head.
I'm supposed to write a song from scratch, and I have to do it in less than 3 months? I don't know how I could possibly do it. Despite intense insecurities and deep fear that I'd completely fail, I accepted the challenge. So, Braden emailed me the lyrics to the song, and the book's manuscript. I read the forward in the book, then printed out the lyrics and set them on my piano.
For days, I just stared at the words, doing nothing. Searching, finding nothing. I tried out a few melodies, all the while, emailing back and forth with Braden, asking questions, getting his input. At one point, I thought to myself the melody I'd come up with sounded a little familiar. Then, I realized somehow it'd turned out to be a variation of someone else's song (Hold On from the Secret Garden). So, I scrapped it and started over. I actually walked away from the piano for a few days, needing to reset.
And I prayed. And prayed. And I think Braden was praying, too.
Because one day, I sat down at the piano. Looked at the words, and started playing. And the melody just came. And the chord progressions found themselves. I wrote the basic tune in one sitting. Okay, okay, I was a vessel for writing this song, but I have no doubt that every note and lyric of this song was inspired by God.
Since the initial melody was written, we've done dozens of revisions. We originally had a medley of hymns at the end of the song, and we had to scrap them because of licensing problems. I had to change the key a few times, because I originally wrote the song in G. And it was really high. Because in the book, the character singing this song is a soprano. So, I wrote it for a soprano. Thanks to feedback from wise and honest friends, I chose to transpose the song down a few keys, and it ended up in the key of D.
I do believe that the final product is what the song was meant to me. It is beautiful.
Then, came the task of finding a singer to record the song. Braden had a girl in his ward that he'd had in mind, but of course, she lived across the country from me, and we couldn't find a way, logistically, to get together to record it. I'd already decided it couldn't be me. I love to sing, and I know I have strengths in singing, but I've never been comfortable with my solo voice, so we decided we needed to find someone to sing it. Then, one day, I was talking to my friend, Veronica. I knew she'd had a lot of experience as a singer, but it just hadn't occurred to me. And she offered to give it a shot. We got together to run through the song, and practice. As soon as I heard the beautiful, pure tone of her voice, I knew she was the one. Plus, she has some serious networking skills, and knows like everybody, so I knew she would be a great person to have on my team. We worked through changes, and restructures, and she was amazing to learned everything over again. And so great to work with. One thing I have to say about Veronica, she is incredibly talented, but she is not a diva. She takes direction incredibly well, and took each of my suggestions to heart. I also value her suggestions.
On a whim, DeNae offered to write the violin obligato. I'm so grateful, she did, because it is beautiful and really adds to the song. My incredibly talented brother, Mason, recorded the violin part.
We went to Greg Simpson to record. It was a great experience. He was awesome to work with, and gave us a lot of really great tips, since we're such novices at this.
So, are you sick of me talking, do you want to hear the song?
Here is the trailer for The Road Show. The song is cut a little, so if you want to full version, click over on my side bar and download it! Sheet music is also available. Feel free to post the video on your blog or facebook page!
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