Ten Things You Never Wanted to Know about Me

I bet you thought you knew everything there was to know about me, didn't you? I profess that my life is an open book, and for the most part, it is.

But, I have a few quirks, and I'm going to let it all hang out today.

1) When I'm walking in an open space, I have fantasies about being able to do back flips.

I was in tumbling when I was little, and I think I may have done a back handspring once without being spotted, but beyond that, I was never very good at it. Plus, my aging body doesn't move like is used to.

Yes, that's a picture of Mary Lou Retton. I idolized her when I was little. I even had a leotard just like hers. Sorry, there is no photographic proof of this.

2) Sometimes I swear.

This isn't some big secret, but when I use swear words, they don't feel natural. And every time I do, I am wracked with guilt. Swear words feel dirty in my mouth. I don't like how I feel when I swear. Plus, I'm convinced that the only reason people swear is for lack of thinking of a better words. So, swearing=stupid. I think I'll stop now.

3) I don't wear my seat belt.

Like hardly ever. Unless my kids remind me, or I'm in someone else's car. I guess it's just my way of being rebellious. I even did the voodoo magic thing to turn off the alarm in my car that reminds you to put on your seat belt. Don't believe me that it's voodoo? Well, check your user's manual. It entails honking the horn 3 times, tapping the break 17 times, turn the ignition on and off 29 times, and buckling and unbuckling your seat belt 32 times. (I am not exaggerating!)

side note: why is it a law for people to wear seat belts in a car, but not for people to wear helmets on a motorcycle? (at least in Utah) Doesn't that seem backwards?

4) Sometimes I facebook on the toilet.

I know you didn't want to know that. But, hey, I have chronic tummy issues. Sometimes, it's pertinent to multitask.

5) I'm pretty sure I'm clairvoyant.

I have some seriously crazy realistic dreams. And a lot of them have come true. When I was 6, my little brother was born. And for years after, I had this horrible recurring dream that something terrible was going to happen to him. Then, when he was four, he had an accident, ruptured his spleen and almost died. The dreams stopped after the accident. I'm telling you, I have the gift. (insert creepy music here)

6) I'm a terrible gift giver.
I have the hardest time thinking of things to give as gifts. What's worse, is that my husband is an awesome gift giver. He is really good and paying attention, and quietly remembering something I said 8 months ago, then getting it for me for my birthday. I feel like it makes me look shallow when I get him dumb stuff.

7) I also fantasize about being a really awesome bad-A ninja super spy.

Come on, who doesn't fantasize about that? Wouldn't it be so cool to be able to beat up the bad guys and look totally hot in a cat woman suit at the same time? Or it is just me?

Ok, after googling "bad A ninja super spy" looking for pictures for this post, I no longer have this fantasy. Apparently, being a ninja super spy is something similar to a porn star. (this is the most G rated picture I could find. I couldn't even find a picture of Bruce Lee with a shirt on.)

But, I think I might start taking martial arts classes anyway, just in case.

8) Sometimes I make chocolate and hide it from my kids.

Specifically, chocolate frosting to dip graham crackers and fruit in. And sometimes no-bake cookies. I can usually eat the whole batch in one sitting. I don't like to share my chocolate. I have noticed though, that with my recent change in health, I can't eat as much chocolate as I used to. This really makes me sad.

9) I pick my nose when I drive.

But never at a stop light, and never within a one mile radius of where I live, in case one of my neighbors sees me.

Don't worry, I keep a stock of tissues in my car and purse at all times.

10) I drext.

I seriously thought I could break myself of the habit when my phone died an untimely and horribly death last week, and I had to wait for 5 days before I could get my new one. But, I'm back on the sauce, so to speak. For some reason, as soon as I got on the freeway on ramp, I feel my phone calling me (no pun intended). I'm totally addicted to my crackberry. It's like a drug. Drexting is my own personal brand of heroine. (Gah, I did NOT just quote Twilight)

(I'm now bracing myself for backlash on all of the horrible driving habits I have)