I've had all these thoughts swimming around my head for the last month, and I keep thinking, I need to write these down. In my journal, or on my blog, or somewhere. And now, I finally got around to sitting at the computer and I'm at a loss of words. I need to start keeping a notebook with me to jot down thoughts (not just one-liners in the notes icon on my phone)
I've had ideas for song lyrics, inspiration for myself, my family and my children, or sometimes just random funny thoughts and I really need to write things down. There really is minimal memory left on the hard drive of my brain. I am at capacity. Pretty much any new information seems to just seep back out after a period of about 5 minutes. My husband swears he tells me things and I have ZERO recollection. (Or maybe he forgets to tell me things--one or the other.)
The last month has been hard-ish. I say -ish, because life is still good. I look around me, and see so many of my close friends and family struggling with one thing or another--illness, addiction, injury. It makes me so grateful. We are truly blessed. And yet, somehow, those sneaky little demons seem to find there way back up on my shoulder, whispering ugly lies in my ear.
After I recovered from my thyroid fiasco a few years ago, I felt like I was cured from my depression. The last two years have been the most emotionally stable that I can remember. But hormones are tricky little buggers. Especially the ones that ride around my body like a roller coaster on the 4th of July. You know, those crazy post-partum hormones. I think my PPD kicked in 8 months after my baby came. I firmly believe that everything in our bodies are on a delicate balancing act. If one little things goes off, then the whole she-bang gets out of whack. I think that is happening to me. This is my vain attempt at self-diagnosis. Because it must be medical, because there is no possible way I'm really this crazy. Right? RIGHT?!!
For the past month or so, I have been struggling with crippling feelings of inadequacy and guilt. What have I done to feel guilty about? I don't know, maybe because I spend 20 hours a week ignoring my children (with my 10 year old watching the baby), so I can make a little money teaching piano or playing for other people. Or maybe because I left my kids with Grandma, so I could go to Jamaica with my husband. Or maybe because I spend another 10 hours a week exercising/running (trying to combat the crazy). Or maybe its because I'm not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough or funny enough or nice enough. Maybe it's because my house is messy and my laundry isn't ever done, or because more often than not we have dinner at Chick-fil-A, or Little Ceasars. Maybe it's because I feel like everyone in my neighborhood has it all together, and I feel like they all judge me because my kids aren't perfectly behaved at school or church, and don't wear the nicest brands, and sometimes, I forget to comb their hair. And my dog barks too much, and my lawn is too brown, and I have too many weeds in my yard. And I don't read my scriptures everyday, or attend the temple weekly, and I'm not bringing meals to everyone in my ward that needs it, and I don't babysit for the girl down the street that's on bed rest, and I don't volunteer at the homeless shelter. And I didn't graduate from college, and I don't quote scripture or Plato and........
See what I mean about those stupid little demons?
It's completely irrational, I know, and really, I am certainly not fishing for compliments. But the reality is, I have felt guilt for all of these things and more.
This past Sunday, I felt like I was drowning. I was at that point when the last place I wanted to go was to church for the simple fact that I would actually have to show my face in public, paint on my fake smile and pretend it's all going grand (and I am terrible at pretending).
But, it was Father's Day. And I forced myself to forget me long enough to get us all to church. There has never been a day that I have felt that way, and gone to church and not felt some relief. This day was no different. The talks were just for me. As I sat there in the very back of the overflow with my little family, I breathed a silent little prayer, asking for help. Help me overcome these dark thoughts. During the closing song (sadly, I don't even remember what the song was), the words entered my mind, "It is enough."
Immediately a rush of relief swept through me. And Peace. I am doing enough. I am a good wife and mother, and sister and friend. And yes, I could do more and be better, but I don't need to get carried away feeling guilty, because it is enough.
We are incredibly blessed. I have so much. And I am grateful.
*When I logged on today, I did not intend to write what I just wrote. I was going to post pictures of our trips and my recent races. Stay tuned for a post with that for another day.*