Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I was asked by a few people, what I thought my problem was, and received a few suggestions that I find the root of the problem and start there.
Well, that just the thing. I don't know. To be honest, I often feel incredible guilt for getting depressed, because logically speaking, I have a really great life. I really have nothing to be depressed about. Really, I am truly blessed to not have any REAL problems. I have a few friends who are dealing with me pretty heavy stuff right now, and it really puts me in my place. Yeah, we're over scheduled. Yeah, my kids demand a lot from me. Yeah, my husband works long hours and is gone a lot. But, what Mom out there doesn't deal with these same things? None that I've seen, so far.
I really think my problem is simply a good, old fashioned chemical imbalance. Which is why the damn anti-depressants (not happy-pills for you, Queen Elizabeth) work. I don't want to take them though. I didn't like how they made me feel. I don't like the side effects. I felt like I had more "episodes" when I was taking the pills, than since I've quit. When, I say episodes, I use that term loosely. If you ask my husband, he wonders still if he should've committed me to an institution last spring. I don't think he truly understands depression because it was never discussed in his home. I don't know if his Mom ever struggled with it.
I also don't know why people are so afraid to talk about it. I think I would probably feel better and a lot of other people would feel better if we all just came out of our comfort zones, let down our barriers, and just talked about it.
So, I want to discuss this. If you don't want to, that's Ok, but I just wondered who else out there suffered from depression, or seasonal affective disorder (which I think is my big problem right now). What do you do for it? Do you take medication? Do you have home remedies that work for you?
I'll tell you what works for me besides taking the pills:
First of all, being depressed makes me want to sleep all day and do nothing. And avoid contact with people at all costs. But, I've noticed that if I get outside, and socialize, even just to go to the store, it helps. Also, surrounding myself with friends and family. I think this forces me to think about other people besides myself, and helps me realize that yes, people care about me, and my life is worth something. Holing myself up in my room only locks me away with my dangerous thoughts.
Also, exercise. I always feel better after a good run, or going to the gym. Sometimes, after I run a few miles, I like to finish it off with a sprint. I just run as hard and as fast as I can for like 20-30 seconds. It's amazing what that does for me. That, and laying off sugar. Sugar does nothing but gives me instant gratification. And I always feel like crap after I eat it.
And Prayer. Sometimes this is so difficult for me, it's almost unbearable. I don't know why. Because I don't feel worthy of His love when I'm depressed? Or I'm ashamed? But, I have to force myself to get on my knees. Sometimes, I don't even say anything, I just kneel, and cry. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I am just crying at His feet. And I know He is there, and wants me to be happy. Just acknowledging God, and coming to Him for help, helps.
These are my home remedies. Obviously it's a work in progress. But, I'd like to know, what works for you? Leave me a comment, and lets talk about it.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Unnecessary Torturous Ignition
Ugly Troll Inside
Untimely Terrible Incineration
Ultimately Terrifying Insult
I had a whole bunch of these milling around in my head last night whilst I tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep. This is all I could come up with today.
I know, I know TMI. But, since I have a rapport for being keeping it real and honest around here....well...that's what's on my mind today. Thank goodness for Nitrofurantn.
Ok, now that you are officially disgusted with me and never want to read my blog again, I'll just go off and whine some more.
I'm really struggling right now. I haven't taken a "happy pill" in four months. I haven't really felt like I needed one. I've felt more myself since I've been off of them. Except the occasional outburst, or "bad day."
Well, I had my usual, annual Christmas Eve breakdown, in which I felt so overwhelmed with things to do, and no time to do it that I stopped and cried for a hour. That Definitely solved ALL of my time problems. Amazing how perspective gets so skewed when you're feeling depressed, isn't it? Let me tell you about ALL the things I had to do on Christmas Eve. I had to make Wassail, a salad, and do my hair, and make it to my Mom's for dinner by 3:00.
Oh, and did I mention that my brother came and took my kids sledding for 3 hours?
What is my freakin' problem?
So, then, the day after Christmas I woke up at like noon, made it all the way to the couch (after turning on movies for the kids), and sat and read a book all day. I finally ventured out at 6:00 to go, an hour late, to my extended family Christmas party. I got there just before the closing prayer.
I'm not really feeling necessarily sad, or stressed, or angry. Just blah. Like nothing. Like nobody. I just want to sleep.
I don't want to do anything else. Just crawl in bed, and sleep. My poor little neglected children.
I'm just grateful for Mario Kart and webkinz for entertaining my children over the last few days.
Hopefully, they are still novel and exciting by the end of this week.
I'll post about Christmas later, when I feel like it.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Maybe it's the fact that I just kissed my hubby goodbye for the weekend. Every year, he and his buddy drive down south to go to the Vegas Bowl. I think BYU is playing Air Force? Don't quote me. I try to listen when C tells me about his sports endeavors, but sometimes, it doesn't always stick. I can't remember my own name sometimes, don't ask me to remember trivial stuff that I don't particularly care about.
I DO care, however, that I will be husbandless for the next two days. And that Sunday morning, I have..I mean get...to direct our ward choir for the entire Sacrament meeting program. Sans husband. With 3 naughty children. Yeah. How the hell am I supposed to do that? Sorry, I said Hell when I'm talking about going to church. I guess that's where I'm going. Hell, that is. Actually, somewhere hot does sound kind of nice right now.
Anyway, in a brief moment of insanity, and unusual positivity, I picked three songs from the Messiah for the choir to sing. Uh...what was I thinking? Actually, I think it will be really good. We have some really, amazingly talented people in our ward. Especially our accompanist. She can play anything I throw at her, beautifully by the way, and without complaint. I think she has no clue how much I appreciate her. Maybe I need to go bring her a present and tell her so.
So, directly after standing with my rear facing the congregation for the entire meeting, while also wrestling with three restless monkeys, we are hopping in the ole Tahoe, and heading south to meet up the C and T, and T's family. I'm sure I'll be super organized and will have all my Christmas wrapped and ready to go (for when we get back on Christmas Eve), house spotless, and car loaded before we go to church, so we can leave immediately after Sacrament meeting.
I'm also sure that my children will behave perfectly all through church, and then also, sit quietly during the 4 hour drive down to St.G.
What are you doing this weekend?
Speaking of Random randomness. Wonderwoman tagged me. You know how I like tags. And it kind of goes with random, so here it goes. You are supposed to list 16 random things about yourself, then tag 16 people. Ok, so here you have it.
Ummmmm....16 things? I can't think of one. Let's see......
1. I'm rethinking the whole release my CD and becoming a famous recording artist. It's proving to be mighty pricey, and a huge gamble that I won't sell any CD's. I might just keep my recording to myself. Maybe my kids can release it when I die.
2. Remember the chin hairs I talked about? Well, I found another one. A gray one! AAARRGGGH!!!
3. I think I spent too much money on naughty kids for Christmas and, so, the last week, I have been returning stuff. Yes, I have returned my kids' Christmas presents. I'm so mean.
4. I don't have a gift for my in-laws. Any ideas?
5. I'm copying Wonderwoman's idea on this one. After having two babies with an epidural, and not feeling a darn thing, and being disappointed that I didn't know what labor felt like after having 2 kids, I decided to have baby #3 without an epidural. Yeah, it hurt, but it was better than being numb. I would do it again.
6. I always get depressed around the holidays. Every year. I don't know why. The weather? The stress? My agoraphobia kicking in and all the parties we have to go to?
7. I want a cleaning lady for Christmas. I can't keep up with my housework. How does one family create this much clutter? And the laundry!! Oh, the laundry!!!!!
8. I hate candy canes.
9. I like chocolate oranges.
10. I also like Almond Roca. So does C. Every year, I buy him a can of it, then eat some. He never buys any for me. This year, I bought two. One for him, one for me.
11. I'm still curious about Motherboard's wassail.
12. I haven't drank? drunk? dranken? drinked? had eggnog in years. I don't remember if I like it. (I don't know how to do that stike through thing. How do you do it?)
13. C and I are going to watch the Superbowl in February. In Tampa, FL. At Madison Square Gardens. Live. In Person. :)
14. My sister is pregnant with twins. She lives halfway across the country. I really wish I could be there and see her growing belly, and help with her other 3 children.
15. 2 of my brothers are also expecting babies. Well, their wives are, at least.
16. I'm starting to kind of, sort of, maybe starting to feel a little teeny tiny bit baby hungry.
I tag (whew, here goes): Mikki, Jess, Tammy, Peggy, Red, Shauna, Motherboard (even though I think WW already tagged you), Shelle, Kristina (because you love tags), Tink, Jan, Cynthia, Erin, Shaila, Andrea, Mina
Wow, this is proving to be a long post. I guess that's Ok, since it will probably be my last until after Christmas.
Here are some Rockin' Christmas tunes:
1. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen(Manheim Steamroller)
2. Variations on the Kanon (George Winston)
3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Coldplay)
4. Bring a Torch, Jeanette Isabella (Jon Schmidt)
5. What Child is This? (Kurt Bestor)
6. Christmas Dreaming (Harry Connick, Jr.)
7. Jingle Bells (Jim Brickman)
8. I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas (Barry Gordon)
9. Let it Snow (Michael Buble)
10. The Hat I Got For Christmas is too big (Mel Blanc)
Bonus: Breath of Heaven (Amy Grant)
Bonus bonus: Merry Christmas, Darling (Carpenters) Because I love this song!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I'm sure I'll win, but just in case, wish me luck!
I'll update this later, and let you know when I win, and everyone likes my wassail better!
Ok, Motherboard knew she would lose, so she didn't even make her wassail! So, I win by forfeit!!!
She did tell me her recipe, though, and I am intrigued. It sounds really good. Someday, I'll get to taste it.
It's just too bad that you can send stuff through the web to taste.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Egg nog or hot chocolate? Of course, Hot chocolate. Because it's chocolate. I haven't had eggnog in a long time. I don't remember if I like it.
Does Santa wrap presents or set them under the tree? Santa wraps presents with special wrapping paper for each person in the family, so we know who's is whose. The big stuff isn't wrapped but is displayed by the stockings, which are set out the night before.
Colored lights on tree or white?White, on the upstairs tree. Colored on the downstairs "kids" tree.
When do you put your decorations up? This year, the day after Thanksgiving. Usually the first few days after Thanksgiving or first of December.
What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Excluding dessert? Uhhhhhh.......I guess it'd have to be wassail, if you can count that, because it's a drink. If not, then.....maybe.....I keep thinking fudge, and homemade chocolates, and fudge. That's a snack, not a dessert, right?
Favorite holiday memory as a child: Waking up Christmas morning one year, and having to wait for my Dad to come home from work before we could open presents. We were anxious to get our presents, but it made it special to make sure he was there for it.
Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?Everyone gets a present on Christmas Eve, and it's always a new pair of pajamas.
How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Uh....put ornaments on it? Duh...?
Snow! Love it or dread it?I used to love to ski, but haven't been in like 10 years, so I used to love it. I really love it in December, and it's Ok in January, but come April, I'm pretty ready for it to go away.
Can you ice skate?I love to ice skate. I've always fantasized about being a figure skater, but never learned how. I wish I had more chances to go now.
Do you remember your favorite gift?I got an Annie necklace when I was, I think, 5 or 6. I was obsessed with Annie, and it was supposed to look like the real one she wore in the movie. So, I put it on, and made my sisters act out the movie with me (including washing the stairs and singing "It's a Hard Knock Life". Of course, I always got to be Annie, cuz I was the oldest.
What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? I love spending time with my family, and the reminder to celebrate Christ's life, and to be more like him.
What is your favorite holiday dessert?My MIL makes the best fudge, ever! Also, last year my cousin made us this awesome chocolate chip cheeseball, that is way yummy! And a few years ago, I was dorking around in the kitchen and made up a recipe for chocolate mint/candycane cookies. Yum yum!! Oh, and toffee, and divinity....should I keep going or do you get the idea?
What is your favorite tradition? Growing up, we always had a big dinner on Christmas eve, and watched the Luke 2 video, and had a little talent show, and opened a present. Since we've gotten married, and with kids, we still go to Mom's on Christmas eve, up until the last couple of years. We're working on our own traditions now.
Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Giving. I get a little carried away at Christmas. But, my hubby is a super gift giver, and really good as surprises and keeping a secret, so it's always fun to see what he's going to get me.
What is your favorite Christmas Song?Oh, where to begin? I'm funny about Christmas music. I only like it for about 3 weeks. Any earlier than Dec 1, and I HATE it. And I can't take the cheesy Bing Crosby stuff. Sorry. I like instrumental Christmas music, (obviously). My favorite songs are: O come, O come Emmanuel, Angels We have Heard on High, Pachelbel Canon(yes that's a Christmas song) Carol of the Bells, Silent Night......I love Kurt Bestor, George Winston, Jim Brickman, John Schmidt (all piano artists), but I also like Harry Connick, Jr, Carpenters, and Barbra Streisand Christmas albums.
Candy canes! Yuck or yum? Yuck. NO thank you! Blech! But crushed up and thrown into chocolate cookies? YUM!!
Ever recycled a Christmas present? I've reused ribbon and wrapping paper off of presents before. I don't remember re-gifting, unless you count white elephant.
Don't Be A Scrooge! Tag 7 friends to Deck the Halls... If you feel like doing this, do it! Or not. Whatever.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
TJ, me and KJ before we set out on the ice!
See TJ hanging on the rail?
Look at TJ's face. He's not very happy about this ice skating thing.
I love this picture because it looks like we're doing a trick, but really KJ was falling and I caught her.
Monday, December 8, 2008
While I was getting gas, a horse pasture across the street
The farm next to the above field
The road on my way to the gym
The bank across the parking lot from my gym.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Ok. Here's something. Next week is a little bit crazy insane for me. But, I'm kind of excited about it.
First our Enrichment meeting is on Thursday night and they asked me to play one of my Christmas arrangements for the program. Yay!
Then, a zillion years ago (read: in August) I entered my song "Solitude" in a little contest with the Utah Composer's Guild, and they want me to perform at the Composer's Festival this Friday. Yay!
Then, Saturday morning, my sister's ward is having their Enrichment meeting, and she asked me to play two of my songs.
So, I get to play a lot next week! I'm loving it!
Also, KJ has a concert for her children's choir that she sings in, and it is C's company Christmas party. All on Saturday. Crazy. We also had tickets to the Kurt Bestor concert. We always go to the Saturday matinee show with our friends, but it conflicts with KJ's concert, so we had to give them away. I'm really bummed about missing it, but of course, KJ's concert is more important.
Speaking of which, I have recently written new arrangements for Joy to the World; O Come, O Come Emmanuel; What Child is This, and last year I wrote an arrangement of Silent Night and a medley of Pachelbel's Canon and Angel's We Have Heard on High. Hopefully, by this time next year, I will have made mondo bucks on my Solitude CD, and will be able to release a Christmas album! So, moral of the story, buy my CD (when it comes out). ☺
I'm going through some weird funk this week. I'm not really sick. I'm not particularly depressed. I actually feel pretty good, emotionally. But, I'm so friggin' tired. Probably because I decided to get off my duff and actually exercise this week, and have done something active everyday this week. Maybe that is why I'm having such serious food issues. It's completely out of control people! Tuesday, after running, grocery store, preschool, playgroup, and karate, I think I just came home and self-medicated on food. I think I was pretty much eating constantly from 2pm to 10pm, including an entire bag of Christmas candy (Hershey's kisses, and peanut butter cups), leftovers from Sunday, leftovers from Monday, more Candy, a cup of hot chocolate, and a banana split. I've been eating like that all week. No wonder my pants are all shrinking. I've resorted to wearing my old post-pregnancy fat pants. It's sad. And really, really depressing. I feel like such a loser. I really need to chocolate now, to make me feel better.
About play group. Here's the thing. My sweet little boy TJ has never gone to a playgroup in this neighborhood. And he NEVER has a friend to play with. Because they are all sooooo involved in their little play groups that they don't have "time" to play.
Wha? Huh? 5 year old kids don't have time to play? Someone put in my comments on that playgroup post about parents "forcing" their kids to play at a certain time and to be done at a certain time, instead of letting them play when they want to. I'm all for making them do their jobs before they play, but to make them play just because that's what's next on the schedule?
That's why I agreed to the play group for Peter. I was worried she'd have no friends to play with if we didn't "schedule" it in. It's driving me bonkers.
I'm soo NOT a schedule Mom. I'm not a schedule person. I'm not a "book" Mom either. You know the type. That do everything according to "What to Expect the First Year" and "Happy Sleeping Habits, Happy Baby" or whatever the hell it's called. I don't believe in parenting books. I DO believe in trusting your instinct, relying on the spirit, teaching the value of work, and good strong discipline (read: spanking--*gasp*, I know...wah!) and allowing your children to be who they came here to be, and not shoving schedules and activities down their throats, and making them act like adults. And I think I have really great kids.
They are independent, confident, and they act like kids. They're loud, and have lots of energy, and like to run around and play rough, and sometimes they're naughty, and sometimes they are down right annoying, but most times they're really good, and sweet, and I love that they are WHO they are. Each of them is different in their own special way. Three different little personalities, three different ways I need to raise them. What works for one child, won't work for the other. I LOVE that they are so individual. I LOVE their quirks, and that they want me to help them, but if I can't, then can figure it out themselves. I LOVE that about them.
Ok, I'm off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.
We took the kids ice skating with Santa Claus at the Gallivan center last night. Remind me later to post pics! It was fun!
Ok, here are some tunes....as soon as I figure out where my kids put my dang I-pod.....
Found it....and the batteries are dead...dangit!
1) Traditions of Christmas - Mannheim Steamroller
2) When My Heart Finds Christmas - Harry Connick, Jr.
3) Prelude - George Winston
4) Old English Suite: Sussex Carol - Kurt Bestor
5) Variations on the Kanon - George Winston
6) Ave Maria - Harry Connick, Jr.
7) Silent Night - Kurt Bestor
8) Jingle Bells - The Brian Setzer Orchestra
9) Bring a Torch, Jeannette Isabella - Jon Schmidt
10) Greensleeves - Manheim Steamroller
Bonus: Peace (Where the Heart Is) Jim Brickman feat. Collin Raye
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sorry, to get all cheesy and happy on you. I'm sure you were all worried about my well-being.
Don't worry, I can still whine with the best of 'em.
I have plenty of crap to complain about.
Like Tuesday, when I had play group at my house. For the record, having play group at my house makes me want to off myself. It's like having throw a friggin' birthday party every 5 weeks. It's ridiculous. I'm often asking myself why am I in this stupid play group anyway? Peter doesn't really care that much. If she feels like playing, we'll call a friend to come over. Why does it have to be so organized? If you know me at all, I HATE to be scheduled and organized. Don't ask me why. But it BUGS me. Why can't we just go play when we feel like it? Why can your kids ONLY play at 1:00 on Tuesdays? That just weird!
So, yesterday at about 10:30 it occurred to me that we had play group at our house. I hadn't planned any elaborate crafts or activities. I hadn't done any heavy baking that morning. In fact, I spent most of my "preschool" time (time while the kids are all at school) talking to my friend Lisa, who I went to visit because she'd recently had her birthday. I wasn't going to start baking cupcakes and cookies half an hour before I had to go get TJ & Peter from school. So, I thought to myself, well, it's just a play group. We have toys. I'll just send the kids downstairs to play in the toy room. We'll not make this a big deal.
That worked!.....for about 45 minutes. Then two of the girls were upstairs asking me when we were going to start our craft, and what games we were going to play. I really had to bite my tongue when I wanted to tell them this isn't a freakin' birthday party. So, I sent them downstairs and showed them where the dress-ups were. Problem solved.
...Not quite. We have one little boy in our play group. Which usually works out nicely when it's at our house because then TJ has a boy to play with. Well, about 45 minutes into our "play time" TJ came up stairs saying "Boy (because I'm not creative enough to come up with a nickname)" needs help wiping his bum.
Crap. I do NOT need to wipe the neighbor kids bum. No Thank YOU!
So, I went downstairs, told him to wipe his own bum, asked if he could put his pants on himself, and then went back upstairs to monitor the girls, who had gotten bored with playing dressup.
Several minutes later, it occurred to me the "boy" hadn't come out of the bathroom. I went back down to check on him. You wouldn't believe kind of damage a little 4 year old boy can do in 10 minutes. There was shit everywhere. Sorry, about the language, but that's just how pissed off I was. On the rug, on the toilet seat, on the toilet lid, on the bathtub. And he was still sitting there pantless. NAST!
There is nothing more disgusting than cleaning up your neighbor's kids poop.
I'm very seriously considering quitting the play group now.
Do you think I'm over-reacting?
I'm a little freaked about posting this actually, because what if the mom's in the play group read my blog and I don't know it, and now they'll be offended, because I'm such a whiner. I really like your kids, honest I do. But, I still have to be able to complain about it. That's my right as a person who likes to complain.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
KJ put up the nativity scene. I love this set. I can't remember what it's called...Olive Tree or something, but they are beautiful.
Oh, I get it!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
After chewing out my kids for laying down and trying to take a nap, and not listening during sacrament meeting, I ventured into Sunday school.
I sat down next to Brother and Sister O., said Hello, then opened up my scriptures, preparing myself for the upcoming lesson.
I don't know what it is about Sunday school, but for some reason my mind begins to wander. Like the time a few weeks ago when the person sitting next to me whispered to me about the scripture we were on, and broke me from my stupor of thought--wondering if the bishop's wife dyes her hair or if it is naturally that black.
So, today, as soon as the teacher started in about why we need the Book of Mormon in the latter days, I started thinking about the handful of Hershey's kisses in my bag, and wondering how I could grab one, unwrap it and eat it without anyone noticing.
So, I started rifling through my bag, pulling out old used Kleenexes, past sacrament meeting programs and tithing slips, and scratch paper my kids had colored on. Underneath the trash was the old PDA C had brought to entertain the kids.
Temporarily forgetting about my chocolate fix, I grabbed the PDA and turned it on (thankfully it was on silent) and began to play. Eventually I found the scheduling thingy (whatever it's called), and started typing in the coming week's events, proud of myself that I was being so organized.
Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something fall on the front of my shirt. In silent panic, I thought a spider had landed on me and frantically start swatting at my chest. Looking down, though, I saw a single, thin silvery strand of spit. While intently focusing on my task at hand, I had started drooling.
I glanced slightly to my right to see if Brother O. had noticed. Either he was snickering silently to himself, or he didn't see. Thank goodness.
Quickly, I put away the PDA and started listening.
Next time, to save myself the embarrassment, I'll just listen to the lesson.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Know that by His divine law, nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world. May we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole people?
We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown.
But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens."
- Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Ok, I took this one. This was from TJ's last Belt ceremony for Karate.
The rest are by TJ, himself!