Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
There is something so therapeutic about being in the mountains. I not some new age-y, hippy, tree-hugging fanatic or anything, but being "one with nature" is so....cleansing. Eye opening. Talk about your back-to-basics, reminds-you-of-what's-really-important type of trip.
And, really, all it was, was a family camp out to Bear Lake. For one night. But, I came home feeling renewed and refreshed. And happy.
There's nothing like the healing power of laughter. And no one can make me laugh like my sisters. We're talking deep belly, laugh till you can't breath, and your tummy and your cheeks hurt kind of laughter.
I love my family.
And here's photographic proof that the combination of being with people who love me, and witnessing the beauty of God's creations first hand, are infinitely healing. (I made a little video, feel free to watch it if you have the time).
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Today, I am without hope. I am questioning. Is this to be my life now? Is this what I will suffer with day in and day out for years to come? I can't accept it. I am not my body. But, I am a prisoner of it, just the same. I can't be me inside this body. I haven't gone for a long, lift-my-spirits, therapeutic run in weeks. I don't have the energy. I find myself moping. Doing the bare minimum just to get by. I give myself little tasks, trying to motivate myself. Things like getting the laundry done, vacuuming the family room, weeding the front yard, taking my kids to the pool. These things exhaust me. I discover I have a rapidly growing list of things lift half finished or undone.
Today, I should be cleaning, packing, getting ready to leave for our family camp out tomorrow. Two days ago, I was excited. Normally, I love camping. Today, I dread it. How can I go do things I used to love, when all I want to do is crawl into a cave and hibernate for the eternities?
I look inside my mind and discover morbid thoughts. I discover myself having envy for people with terminal diseases. People with cancer. People who can see an end to their misery, and can therefore look forward to death.
My sickness is not that serious. Nor is it terminal. But it is changing my life. So, as I see it, my life as it were, as it was, is over. And I don't know how to begin again, living as a different me, inside a limited body. I mourn my old self. I mourn the mother I used to be...could have been. I mourn the loss of the children I will never bear. I mourn the loss of my fertility. I mourn the wife I was....and pity my family, my husband, for what they put up with everyday. I mourn the friend I used to be. The sister and daughter I was. I am not that person anymore.
I am living in a fog...and all I can see is me, whithering away into nothing.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Well, I decided to meet them at the park, brought the stragglers (kids who didn't wake up in time to get dressed and ride with Dad), the bikes, and planned to go for a short run after we got everyone unloaded. But when I got there, I discovered that some of C's friends hadn't shown up to play. They were short a player. And you know what? They let me play. All of these good ole boys let this...girl (for lack of a better work) play football with them.
And let me tell you people, I had the time of my life. It was the best workout I've had in a long time. My thighs were killing me the next day (the good burn), but it was so much fun. So, I begged C to let me come back and play every week. He said, I could, as long as I bring another girl to play with me.
So, who wants to come up to my hood and play some football with me? It's fun! And not as hard as you'd think. It's just touch (no tackling), and such a great workout. Who's with me?
I went back to the doc on Tuesday. For the past month of so, I have been beside myself and out of my head. Once again, I started feeling tired again. This past month it just got worse and worse. The worst it's been since before my radiation treatment. I've been a walking zombie. And so depressed I could hardly function. Not to mention my complete inability to focus on anything besides the tiny little reflective bubble I was trapped inside. (Reflective because all I could see was me). And let's not even begin to discuss the fact that I've gained 9 pounds in the last month. I was going to write a post about belly fat, and how for the first time in my life....I have some. But I decided it might render some heckling, so I decided against it. Shhh...don't tell anyone about that okay?
So...on Tuesday, I went back to the endocrinologist. He looked at my blood results and showed me how my hormone levels had plummeted despite a recent increase in my meds. All I could think of to say was, "...figures." So, I got another increase in dosage. Thank the synthroid gods!
Plus, I've been doing a lot of research about supplementing my lack of thyroid function with foods. Did you know spinach is bad for thyroid? I'm so bummed. I LOVE spinach, and I eat it like almost every day. sigh. You know what's supposedly good for thyroid function? Crap. Like caffeine, coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. I think that's not true, though, because I drink like 7 Cokes a day, and I still feel like crawling in a hole to die.
It was also reaffirmed that because of how extreme my hormone levels are it would be wise for me to indefinitely prevent pregnancy. We've been discussing the possibility over the past few months, and the complications associated with having an autoimmune disease, and I think I'm finally at peace with being done having children.
Here's hoping that the new dosage in my meds helps me to have the energy to care for the kids I've got!
Because I've been so moody and emotional lately, I was in a really foul mood the other night. I couldn't sleep. So, I got up, and start writing down my thoughts. It turned into a song. And I totally love it! It's a very angry song, but it rocks. I'm still working out some parts where I may or may not have put in some expletives. I'll probably take those out and rewrite some parts before it's actually published.
I didn't post this on Friday, because I spent all day recording all of my new songs for a demo. I have no intention of the general public hearing them, unless you want to hear the unmastered clicks, and bumps, heavy breathing in between vocal sets, children stomping, screaming and slamming doors in the background. Yes, when I record at home, I am my own sound engineer.
I recorded a demo for my band to learn guitar/drum/whatever other instruments I can think of part. I'm so excited!
So for my music list, I'm going to list the titles of a few of my new songs, just to peak your interest.
1) Three Days (piano solo)
2) Where I've Been
4) Did You Think to Pray (piano solo)
5) Weight of the World
.....I need a few more songs to make a full album. So, I need your help. I need ideas for new song topics, suggestions for cover songs/arrangements. Should I fill out the rest with new vocal songs, or should I put in more piano stuff (like me first album)? Input appreciated!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Yes, that's a picture of Mary Lou Retton. I idolized her when I was little. I even had a leotard just like hers. Sorry, there is no photographic proof of this.
2) Sometimes I swear.
This isn't some big secret, but when I use swear words, they don't feel natural. And every time I do, I am wracked with guilt. Swear words feel dirty in my mouth. I don't like how I feel when I swear. Plus, I'm convinced that the only reason people swear is for lack of thinking of a better words. So, swearing=stupid. I think I'll stop now.
I have the hardest time thinking of things to give as gifts. What's worse, is that my husband is an awesome gift giver. He is really good and paying attention, and quietly remembering something I said 8 months ago, then getting it for me for my birthday. I feel like it makes me look shallow when I get him dumb stuff.
Ok, after googling "bad A ninja super spy" looking for pictures for this post, I no longer have this fantasy. Apparently, being a ninja super spy is something similar to a porn star. (this is the most G rated picture I could find. I couldn't even find a picture of Bruce Lee with a shirt on.)
Specifically, chocolate frosting to dip graham crackers and fruit in. And sometimes no-bake cookies. I can usually eat the whole batch in one sitting. I don't like to share my chocolate. I have noticed though, that with my recent change in health, I can't eat as much chocolate as I used to. This really makes me sad.