I just need to unload. Right now, I'm not even sure I can find words for my thoughts.
I've been sitting here, staring at a blank screen for 15 minutes.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of lying awake in my bed, trying to sleep, but can't. I'm tired of being afraid to leave my house because I can't stray too far from the bathroom. I'm tired of not being able to exercise or run because my heart is about to explode. I'm tired of shaking incontrollably, so I can't write or play the piano. I'm tired of going to doctor after doctor who refuses to listen, or doesn't know how to help me and has too big of an ego to admit it and ask someone, or look it up. I'm tired of everyone telling me I look too skinny because I've lost too much weight. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm pathetic. I'm tired.
I don't want to talk to anyone. My phone has been ringing all day, and I just can't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes I just want to stop existing.
I'm not suicidal. But, honestly, I probably wouldn't mind so much if I were hit by a bus. Or if I was told I had cancer and only had 6 months to live.
We (C and I) joke about me dying all the time. When he gives me a hug, he can feel my heart pounding right out of my chest, and jokes that I'm having a heart attack. He teases that I'm having a seizure, when my body shakes so bad, if feel like my bones are jumping out of my skin. We make a joke out of it because I guess that takes the pressure off. But, in the back of my mind, I'm almost hoping something like the will happen.
Maybe if it did, I could get a doctor to take me seriously. Or maybe just be put out of my misery.