Monday, September 14, 2009

Insomnia

I just need to unload. Right now, I'm not even sure I can find words for my thoughts.
I've been sitting here, staring at a blank screen for 15 minutes.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of lying awake in my bed, trying to sleep, but can't. I'm tired of being afraid to leave my house because I can't stray too far from the bathroom. I'm tired of not being able to exercise or run because my heart is about to explode. I'm tired of shaking incontrollably, so I can't write or play the piano. I'm tired of going to doctor after doctor who refuses to listen, or doesn't know how to help me and has too big of an ego to admit it and ask someone, or look it up. I'm tired of everyone telling me I look too skinny because I've lost too much weight. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm pathetic. I'm tired.

I don't want to talk to anyone. My phone has been ringing all day, and I just can't bring myself to answer it. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes I just want to stop existing.
I'm not suicidal. But, honestly, I probably wouldn't mind so much if I were hit by a bus. Or if I was told I had cancer and only had 6 months to live.

We (C and I) joke about me dying all the time. When he gives me a hug, he can feel my heart pounding right out of my chest, and jokes that I'm having a heart attack. He teases that I'm having a seizure, when my body shakes so bad, if feel like my bones are jumping out of my skin. We make a joke out of it because I guess that takes the pressure off. But, in the back of my mind, I'm almost hoping something like the will happen.

Maybe if it did, I could get a doctor to take me seriously. Or maybe just be put out of my misery.

I'm tired.

I'm done.

31 comments:

wonder woman said...

I came to your blog to listen to your music. I need some soothing stuff on my headphones so I can tune out my kids and write this *%#* article.

I sure wish there was something I could do for you. I can totally feel where you're coming from. You're not suicidal, your just sick of whatever crap is going on in your body and even sicker of not knowing what it is or how to fix it. That would drive me batty, too.

I read a book the other day that kind of reminded me of you. It was a ficitonal book, but drawn from the author's own experiences with anxiety and depression. From what you've talked about on your blog it doesn't seem like you have anxiety issues, but I thought it might be a book you'd enjoy. Or at least learn from. The title is "Becoming Olivia" and the author is Roxanne Henke. She's a christian author, but it's not overwhelming like other Christian books I've read.

read it or don't, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

p.s. my word verification is "phester." Ironic, since it would seem that something is festering in your body and soul.

Gosh I'm melodramatic today.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I really know the feeling. I really, really do. Last year I was like this and it was utterly depressing. It took a long time to figure out what was wrong with me. It was a combination of allergies and a hormone imbalance. I've got the right doctors now and am on the road to recovery. Things are finally starting to work like they should.

I know your frustration and hating going to doctor after doctor. I really hope you find your answer soon because it is such relief when you do. I understand your feeling of hopelessness, but I'm sure you will find your answer.

Kado! said...

I didn't know you were feeling so horrible...I wish there was something I could say..but I obviously don't know all the details...just letting you know that now you will be in my thoughts...and I hope you find a Dr. that can really help you...I know how that can suck!

Jason+Lindi said...

I don't know how you feel about homeopathic medicine but I have had it help me when all the Dr just were shaking their heads. If you are interested in more info email me. Lindi150 (at) yahoo (dot) com

Peggy said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so horribly. It sucks when the doctors just don't get it. Go take a nap. A long one. And hang in there. I'll say a prayer for you.

Thorny Tree Lady said...

I ache for you. This is a very frusrtating (wish I could find a stronger word) situation for you. You don't know me, I don't know you, but I do have connections at the UofU hospital. If you'd like, email me and I can see if I can hook you up with someone good who might be able to help you.
thornytreelady (at) gmail (dot) com

I'll be praying for you.

Mikki said...

Sher, I'm so sorry. I wish I had some great advice or an answer to offer you. I'll add you to my prayers though, and hope that helps some. I can't even imagine the kind of frustration you must be feeling. Why can't the doctors be more helpful? They tell us to listen to our bodies, and that we know ourselves better than anybody, but when you go to a doctor and let them know something different, and out of your normal is going on, they think you're just a nutcase. I suppose my only advice would be, just keep at it. Eventually someone has got to have an answer for you. Hang in there my friend. (And I don't mean the hanging part literally!!!)

Annette Lyon said...

Oh, hon--I didn't realize it was so bad. But in some ways, I get it. When you feel like crap for so long, you just want it OVER.

Even if you can't get answers for why you're sick, at least you can get an antidepressant to crawl a little bit you get out of the hideous gulf. I know, I know--preaching to the choir here.

Just know I'm thinking about you.

Kristina P. said...

You know I'm worried about you! I hope that you can make it out of this funk.

Did you contact my GI specialist?

SO said...

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all of this and with doctors who don't/won't listen. I wish I could do more than send my support and prayers your way.

I deal with bad situations with humor all the time. Because if I don't laugh then I'll scream or cry or just completely break down.

Have you seen a cardiologist?

Lara said...

I was wondering if you've tried any "alternative" type doctors. If you are willing to drive all the way down to Provo, Dennis Remington does some really amazing things with stuff like this. I saw him for awhile and he got my issues really cleared up.

Also, there's the Utah Wellness Center. I'm not sure if it's still called that, but Francine Opfar is the person that you would see. I know she has an office near IKEA. She also helped me a ton with hormonal issues that other doctors poo-pooed.

I really hope that things start looking up for you. I think we maybe take our health for granted until something like this happens. Thinking of you.

M-Cat said...

My dear friend Sherrie. I am in the gulf with you. Different reasons but it's a hell of gulf nonetheless. Pinky swear with me that neither of us will go down without a fight. For reals. I love your freakin guts! Thanks for putting some words to some of my same feelings right now.
xoxoxox

Erin said...

I'm so sorry for your difficulties right now. I really hope they can figure something out, or you can figure something out yourself if they can't! I'm thinking about you, and I'm worried about you.

Sarah said...

I have struggled with an undiagnosed problem for quite a while too, and I know how frustrating it can be when you feel like no one is listening. If you need me you know where I am, even if it just to have someone who will listen to you cry. I know how this feels and I am here!

The Garden of Egan said...

Hi Sher........Hugs!!! I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Gonna ask a few personal questions since I'm an ER nurse and see some pretty bizzare stuff.
TSH and Free T4?
Calcium and Potassium levels?
Endoscopy?

I'm sure these things have been explored if you've been to docs, but just checking in case....

Love you!

Charlene Nelson said...

Sherrie, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Have you ever heard of or tried EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? It is a simple, easy technique of clearing stored negative energy from your energy meridians and has helped a lot of people with a variety of emotional and physical problems. If you are interested I would be glas to teach you how to do it. Just email me or call. Sending you love and prayers.
Charlene Nelson

Jen K said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you were feeling that bad. Be persistent with the doctors, and you'll eventually find one that will listen. YOU know your body best. I'll be thinking of you, keep us updated.

Charlene Nelson said...

Sherrie, So sorry to hear of your struggles. Have you heard of or tried EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? It is a simple process that clears negative emotions stuck in your energy meridians and has help many many people heal from emotional and physical problems. Let me know if you are interested and I would be glad to show you the technique. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery.
Charlene Nelson

Hilary said...

Doctors aren't accustomed to listening -- it's really not their thing. Sounds kind of like a glucose thing... just from the little you've said... being that I'm a nurse and totally diagnose over the computer.
Good luck!

DeNae said...

I'm with Annette. I know you gave up antidepressants in favor of exercise and eating healthier, but since that has been temporarily derailed...

I really will add you to my prayers, Sherrie. The answer's out there, I'm sure.

Love you!

The Motherboard said...

Did you call the voo-doo doctor yet? Because, I will come help you do that if you want me to.

I love you.

Melanie J said...

I am so, so sorry.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

You are normal. I'm sorry about the doctors and the issues with your body. That sucks!

I know you know this in your mind but you don't really want to leave...you have your gorgeous kids and your husband who need you!

Love ya girl

Rachel Sue said...

At first I was gonna ask if you had gone to the Dr. Now that I know that you have, I say FIND A NEW ONE! Some one who will take you seriously. Because if you are that miserable it is not just in your head! I'm frustrated for you.

I hope things get better for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jessica said...

Sher, I feel so bad for you. I understand the feeling of not wanting to exist so the pain will stop. I felt like that after I had Emerson and was going through my troubles. It was awful. I just feel so bad. If there's anything I can do please let me know.

Vanessa said...

:( So sorry.

Chad and Tenaya said...

I hope life is getting better. I was wondering why I haven't heard about you and running lately. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you get some help and really soon.

If you need anything let me know. I'm close and happy to help.

Miss Daisy said...

In some ways I know how you are feeling. I had such sickness a couple of years back--constantly throwing up, tired, losing weight. I went to specialist after specialist who wanted to put me on 6 different meds for different ailments. Pshaw! Are you kidding me? Who wants to be on 6 different meds their whole life! I finally found out the problem on my own--food allergies! Who'd-a-thunk? I'm so sorry you are going through this and are down in the dumps! I feel your pain and want you know I'm there for you! Hang in there kiddo!

Denise said...

You have no clue who I am I was just wondering if you have been checked for Celiacs disease? Just a thought. Hope you get feeling better.

tiburon said...

Sorry you are struggling right now. I hope that things are resolved really soon!

beazer1812@comcast.net said...

Oh Sher, that is very worriesome. I wish the Dr.'s could come up with some help and answers for you!!
I have no help to offer you --just a hug and love.
I can't say "I know what you are going through", each of our life's experiences are different, yet can be somewhat similar.
There are times too, that I wish a truck would just run me over, or have an anerism and fall over dead ---sometimes I feel like that as I am so tired of people judging me, and so tired of "trying and trying" to get it right.
tired of trying to please people
I understand --being so tired.
you are NOT alone