I have been in a weird funk lately. I could blame it on my sickness, but I really don't think that's it. In fact, I might have go so far as to say that possibly I was "blessed" with this crazy illness to help me out of my funk. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
I guess you could say I was in a bit of a depression. It happens a lot to me this time of year. I am a self-diagnosed victim of S. A. D. I was talking to my best friend the other day...the one who shares the other half of my brain...who's life seems to take the same turns as mine at the same time. We were talking about how I've (we've) been so depressed lately (like for the past 10 years). And when I say depressed, I mean down right pissed off. And within the past year, I believe I've moved passed that into a state of complete apathy. I have become numb. I am no longer angry at the world, because I have just stopped caring.
At one point, I even came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to be a wife and mother. I was ready to just walk away and never look back. I had lost my faith, my motivation, my drive. I had lost the Spirit. I stopped praying. I stopped reading my scriptures. I kept going to church, but only going through the motions, not really wanting to be there. I didn't know what I wanted or where I would go, I just wanted out. I don't know why. My husband is an amazing patient, good man, and my children want nothing but my love, and I wanted nothing to do with them. My life was completely falling apart. I was losing my mind.
And then, I got sick. And I crawled deeper into my hole. And then, I could see the fear in my husband's eyes at the thought that he might lose me. I could hear my children praying for me to feel better. I had countless friends, neighbors and family member pour out their heart and souls to me and lift me up.
And I was humbled. I've said on many occasions, I believe I was blessed with this illness to humble me. To put me in my place.
And I now know that those thoughts of leaving my family behind and walking off into oblivion were promptings from the Adversary. That tells me that what I have with my husband and children is something really special, and he is trying to tear us apart.
And that only makes me want to fight harder to keep my family. I was blessed with a competitive nature for a reason. I will not let the Enemy win.
So, this coming Saturday, my baby is getting baptized. And I owe it to her to set a better example. So, Sunday, we decided that everyday, I would make an effort to make dinner, and immediately after dinner everyday, we will sit down together as a family and read our scriptures. We've been doing it for 2 days. And already I can feel the peace in our home. And the joy in my heart.
And in the end I've decided, there really is something to the Primary cliche: say your prayers, read your scriptures and go to church and everything will fall into place.
I still have to work hard, and there will still be trials, but doing those things will give me strength to endure them.