Thursday, December 3, 2009

Confessions

I have been in a weird funk lately. I could blame it on my sickness, but I really don't think that's it. In fact, I might have go so far as to say that possibly I was "blessed" with this crazy illness to help me out of my funk. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I guess you could say I was in a bit of a depression. It happens a lot to me this time of year. I am a self-diagnosed victim of S. A. D. I was talking to my best friend the other day...the one who shares the other half of my brain...who's life seems to take the same turns as mine at the same time. We were talking about how I've (we've) been so depressed lately (like for the past 10 years). And when I say depressed, I mean down right pissed off. And within the past year, I believe I've moved passed that into a state of complete apathy. I have become numb. I am no longer angry at the world, because I have just stopped caring.


At one point, I even came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted to be a wife and mother. I was ready to just walk away and never look back. I had lost my faith, my motivation, my drive. I had lost the Spirit. I stopped praying. I stopped reading my scriptures. I kept going to church, but only going through the motions, not really wanting to be there. I didn't know what I wanted or where I would go, I just wanted out. I don't know why. My husband is an amazing patient, good man, and my children want nothing but my love, and I wanted nothing to do with them. My life was completely falling apart. I was losing my mind.


And then, I got sick. And I crawled deeper into my hole. And then, I could see the fear in my husband's eyes at the thought that he might lose me. I could hear my children praying for me to feel better. I had countless friends, neighbors and family member pour out their heart and souls to me and lift me up.

And I was humbled. I've said on many occasions, I believe I was blessed with this illness to humble me. To put me in my place.


And I now know that those thoughts of leaving my family behind and walking off into oblivion were promptings from the Adversary. That tells me that what I have with my husband and children is something really special, and he is trying to tear us apart.

And that only makes me want to fight harder to keep my family. I was blessed with a competitive nature for a reason. I will not let the Enemy win.


So, this coming Saturday, my baby is getting baptized. And I owe it to her to set a better example. So, Sunday, we decided that everyday, I would make an effort to make dinner, and immediately after dinner everyday, we will sit down together as a family and read our scriptures. We've been doing it for 2 days. And already I can feel the peace in our home. And the joy in my heart.


And in the end I've decided, there really is something to the Primary cliche: say your prayers, read your scriptures and go to church and everything will fall into place.

I still have to work hard, and there will still be trials, but doing those things will give me strength to endure them.


Amen.

24 comments:

The Garden of Egan said...

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
It's amazing that sometimes the most simple things make such a huge difference.
You weren't foolin' too many people out there lovey. You were in a lot of prayers.

Nick and Stacey said...

Thanks.

Teri said...

I think the adversary (see, he doesn't even deserve to be capitalized) targets women because if we start to go, the whole family goes too. I love that you put into words what so many women are feeling, yet you have hit the nail on the head in the solution. It seems trite, but we can do it. Hang in there!!!

Peggy said...

Amen.

2busy said...

While I haven't entertained those thoughts and feelings of leaving my family, I have been in a spiritual black hole. Time to do something about it...

tammy said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you've been feeling that way. I know how hard the adversary works at pulling us down, and that it really is easy to fall away from the basics of saying your prayers and reading the scriptures, and that if he can chip away at the essentials, pretty soon he has a hold on your heart. It really pisses me off when I can see him working on me.

Hang in there. He wants the strong to fall. Don't let him win.

Andrea said...

Prepare yourself, Saturday will be tough... Except maybe not for you. All I know, is I fight bawling every single time. Thanks for the inspiration.

wonder woman said...

Thanks for sharing this piece of your soul. It's never easy. I hope you can keep up with the little things. {{hugs}}

Heidi said...

I couldn't not comment on this post. It takes a lot of courage to admit weakness and expose them for all to see. So, I want to thank you for having the courage to expose yours to us. Even though we don't all share the same weaknesses and trials, we all have them; but we feel the need to hide them inside and put on a good show for everyone else. When in reality, if we would just show others our weaknesses, we could help each other turn them into strengths. So, enough of my ramblings. I just want to say thank you for bearing your testimony of the simple things. I really felt the Spirit in this post post.

Annette Lyon said...

I have to echo what Teri said--Satan knows that if he can tear down the mother, he can tear down a family, so that's where he focuses his efforts: on us moms. Aren't we lucky? Sucks rocks, huh?

I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this, but I get it.

Not too long ago, I wrote an article about what you said--that the simple answers really are the real ones. I don't know if it'll help or not (you already know what it says, basically), but here's the link if you're interested in reading it:

http://desertsaintsmagazine.com/2009/04/01/gaining-a-testimony-back-to-basics/

Janice said...

I needed this post. Thank you.

Cynthia said...

Beautifully said. My spouse also struggles with depression and anxiety. I know how your spouse feels. I am so glad that the light is peaking through a little.

Did you know that, before he became a Prophet, George Albert Smith was in a similar emotional place? I wish the Church would make his struggles with depression more known. I think it would help so many to know that even a man such as him was called on to suffer this illness. Some of the best among us are asked to endure this struggle. Probably, in part, because they are the best among us.

Kristina P. said...

Oh, Sher, you know how much I love and care about you.

And you will get through this.

I think I've talked with you guys a bit about my mom, but that's what she did when I was 18. My youngest brother was 10. She left the church and us. I wish things had been different.

Motherboard said...

Amen and amen.

The Boob Nazi said...

I hope it continues working for you.

wendy said...

Sometimes our darkest hours bring out Great Light.
and I hope I live long enough to remember that.
Keep your family close Sher, they will always be the anchors of your life. They are those among that Great Light. I think family dinners together are so important --chances to talk and laugh.
I wish none of us had to go through all the "crappy" stuff in life. The kind that feels like it is sucking the very life out of us. I've been there.
It's hard to wade through it all and see the WHY at the end.

I'll be in Utah on the 11th for 2 weeks. So it would indeed be fun to all meet up for lunch or something.

Barney Family Blog said...

Sher you are amaxing!:) I am so glad you are my sister and I love you so much!! Thanks for this post it made me cry while reading it! Love you sister!!!

Rebecca said...

Thanks for your honesty in this posts, and your humor in others. Winters are so hard! It sounds like you are already making some important spiritual preparations to make it through the S.A.D. days. I am so grateful for our move to Florida to finally be over those S.A.D. winters...though I'm sure medication helps too :)

Sherrie said...

Oh I a sorry that you have been feeling this way. I do understand your feelings and how you can end up in that dark hole. I was there myself not so long ago. Satan is working really hard to tearing our families apart and I agree with what was said about the Mom being the one he works hardest on, because it is the Mom that holds the family together. You are so strong and corageous for even admitting this to all of us. Keep doing what you are doing. Satan will not win!

DeNae said...

I feel like so many of my comments on bloggers' posts start with "been there, baby". Maybe it's because I'm older (yes, I seem to say THAT a lot, too.)

The years of raising little ones and having extra busy husbands at the same time are tough, Sherrie. They really are.

The best thing that ever happened to me was recognizing that, for a few years, I was an absolute HERO just for getting out of bed every morning.

I had three little kids, my husband was on surveillance 24/7, and was EQ pres, we lived in Seattle where it rained all. the. time. I still don't know how I kept from throwing myself in front of a cement mixer.

Recognizing the things you talk about here is the first of many steps, including the big step of time just passing and things improving as a result.

I promise, that does happen.

Hang in there, darling friend. And when that inversion gets to be too much, grab Motherboard and Kristina and my sister and come down here to play with me!!

chelsea said...

(Tears) Thanks for sharing...and reminding us all how to fight the enemy. Hang in there. Keep smiling! Hugs!

Erin said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I think a lot of us feel something like this some of the time. (And we don't know what to do about it.) I am praying for you.

M-Cat said...

I love your honesty. I love the fact that you share what you learn.
I sure love you!

Good thoughts are STILL being sent your way!

Hilary said...

OFten the very things that will help are the things we LEAST want to do.
Darn that satan. I hate him.