Sunday, May 11, 2008

Speaking of Motherhood

Happy Mother's Day to Mom, Sue, and all you awesome mothers out there.
It's been a pretty good day.
For some reason, on Mother's Day, every year, I've gotten in my head over the years that this day is a good excuse for me to be lazy all day. It never works out that way, but I still try every year.
So, KJ, my six year old, usually fights me every morning to get up. I'm usually still hounding her at 8:00 to get up to catch the bus. But this morning she came in a 6:30 am! Seriously? Of all days for you to get up that early, does if have to be today? I REALLY wanted to sleep in. She's pretty independent, but also very social. She's not the type to just be up and chill out by herself. She really needed somebody to "cuddle with her." And of course, it can't be anybody but "mommy." So we got up early today. At 9:30, as I was on my way to get into the shower my dear, sweet husband says, "So, is it too late to cook you breakfast?"

Ha Ha! We have to leave for church in an hour. But, it was a nice thought.
Know this, though. That man has mad skills in the kitchen when it comes to cooking breakfast! I love his french toast. He is THE designated breakfast chef at our house. That means usually we have cold cereal for breakfast (my specialty) and about 3-4 days a year, we get a decadent breakfast masterpiece at Shae Clint. (I have no idea if I spelled that right, but, oh well).

So the Relief Society president asked me to sing a musical # for her lesson today. I was excited because it's been a really long time that I've sung in public, other than ward choir. It reminds me how much I really love to sing and perform. Although, I can't believe I got nervous. Just goes to show how rusty I am. So I sang a song by Hilary Weeks called Who You Are. Have you ever heard it? It's so beautiful and the message is awesome. I'm sure I didn't do it justice, but I really like the song.

That wasn't really supposed to be the topic of my post today. I know, I have a tendency to ramble. Thoughts just fly out of my brain and through my fingers (or out my mouth) in complete chaos, most of the time, so thanks for being patient with me.

The real reason I wanted to post today was that I've been consumed, lately, with the idea of having another baby. Of course, not in the immediate future (I'm running a marathon next week and a relay in June) but after that?......

I have a million reasons to choose to be done having kids. I have three beautiful children, who consume my heart so completely, how could I possible fit one more in there to love? I have worked my little rear-end off (quite literally) to get in shape and get rid of the baby weight. Why would I want to get fat and pregnant again? I'm so out of baby mode, and I'm quite comfortable sleeping through the night, and telling my kids to "go get it yourself" and they do! (p.s. I am a lazy parent...but I have very independent children)

The #1 reason not to do it is because of the severity of post-partum depression that I get. It's gotten worse with each baby. (Thank goodness for the happy pills. If it weren't for them, I can't be sure I or my children would still be alive today) Yeah, it gets THAT bad. You have no idea the kind of crazy I'm talking about. Even my husband, who has always wanted a lot of kids, and has been very open to having more babies "whenever I decide" (isn't he awesome?), has been saying that maybe we should stop. He is very wise. I should listen to him more often. It's that rebellious feminist in me that thinks I need to challenge everything my husband tells me, even though he's almost (keyword: almost) always right.

I mean, my baby is almost 3! She would be 4 by the time I got pregnant and the baby came. That's a big gap! (At least compared to the 20 months between each of my other three--Kennie was just a little older than Baylie's age, when Baylie was born) I'd almost feel like we needed to have two, so that one wouldn't be so left out.

It sounds like a lot of good reasons to be done, right?

Except I have one good reason to want to give it a shot. I just have this overwhelming sense that there is one more baby up there in the spirit world, just watching me, and waitng for his/her turn, saying, "Come on, Mom! You can do it! I belong to you. You need to do this one more time for me!" When the spirit comes on that strong, what can I do, but listen? That doesn't mean that now is the time, or maybe it does. I really need to pray very hard about it. (and go to my doctor to refill my prescription of happy pills) Some may frown on this, but I DO take them when I'm pregnant. I just have to. I hate to think of what could happen if I didn't.

These are my Mother's Day thoughts.
Am I really equipped to handle being Mother to 4 children?


Stacey said...

I think it is a big desicion trying to decide to have another baby! But they are so much fun! And yours are so cute! That is a bit of an age gap! Compared to your other ones! Mitchell and Faye are almost three years apart! And I am okay with that! You are a wonderful mother! And you do a great job! Good luck on your Marathon!

The Motherboard said...

I totally understand what you are saying about the baby thing. When one fights the demons like we do, its a HUGE decision as to whether or not you want to ride that ride again.
I also know those feelings you talk about-- they are real and powerful. My kids are all far apart in age... thing1-thing2 = 3years
thing2-thing3= 4 years and
thing 3-Moxie=5years.
Not necessarily the way I had originally wanted it... but I think for my sanity's sake it was good. This last one has been the easiest. Really. They are able to take care of themselves and my crazylady hasn't reared her ugly little head as much this time around!
My kids are still close-- even more so than others because there is an age difference and they are protective of each other.

Good luck on the marathon!

Smith Family said...

although I never would have planned to have my kids 6 years apart. It has been very good. I think we almost treasure Presly more because we waited so long. Good luck with that, it is a hard decision. Babies are both wonderful and hard.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand the baby thing. But, if the spirit is telling you that strong, there must be another one waiting. I know it's hard (happy pills are a good thing), but I can tell from reading your blog that you are an awesome mother! There are 4 years between my two and I'm ok with that. I think I want another one, but there might be 5 or 6 years between the second and third and I'm ok with that too. The Lord knows what we are capable of and with his help we can do it!! Good luck on your marathon!! I can't wait to hear all about it!

Barney Family Blog said...

We talked yesterday on the phone so I have already shared my thoughts, but as I was reading your blog, I was just thinking of how the Lord isn't going to hit us on the head with answers. I really feel strongly about what we talked about yesterday. You are an amazing person with amazing courage and self-discipline. I mean really Sher you are running a marathon. That's amazing. I totally believe that you can take that courage and self-discipline and do what may be difficult and hard but what is right. I firmly believe that when your sacrifice for what is right the Lord will bless you with increased ability and joy!!! You don't give yourself enough credit. You are an incredible person!